Isn't it romantic?
God forbid women enjoy themselves
Despite how hard I’ve tried to repress and deny it, I’m a hopeless romantic at my core. I daydream in the shower about meeting my soulmate, talking to my shampoo bottle and laughing at my lavender body scrub. During my Taylor Swift concert last year, my eyes actually welled up when she sang Lover as I tried not to ruin my purple eyeliner. My notes app is full of angsty musings on love and miserable ramblings written at 1 AM. I also cry at nearly every single movie I watch but specifically romance movies, for which, I’m an absolute goner.
My favorite movie of all time is Emma. (2020), and despite the fact that I know all the lines down to the tone and inflections with each word, I still cry every single time during Knightley’s confession scene. When he looks up at Emma with tears in his eyes and grabs her hands, I’m already bawling into my pillow. My voice rings out with him as he says, “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.” There really is nothing that will ever be more romantic than that line, ever.
Over the summer I went to the beach with my girls as a sort of senior grad trip and while it was a busy couple of days, there’s one night in particular I remember quite vividly. Thao and I agreed to share a bed on the top floor of our Airbnb and one night we just laid there, talking about things that were much easier to voice out loud after midnight. I remember the feeling of the sheets wrinkling around me and having to avoid the spot on the bed that made the nightstand lamp flicker for some reason. I remember telling her that there are only two things I genuinely want for my life: 1) to save the planet, and 2) to find true love.
It’s humiliating these days to be a hopeless romantic, if I’m being honest. As you grow older, your expectations and standards of love mature with you. Love at first sight and the idea of soulmates become synonymous with believing in Santa Claus. It’s a sort of unspoken social rule to give up your hopes of finding the perfect one because the statistical probability of finding the one made in your exact romantic likeness is nearly impossible.
I remember in my English class junior year, for some reason I can’t remember now, we began discussing soulmates. When our teacher asked us who believed in the idea of soulmates, me and one other person (who, coincidentally, was also Thao) were the only ones to raise our hands. I remember feeling vaguely embarrassed but also a little shocked that everybody else seemed so sure of it, so sure that the very concept had no standing at all. While I suppose part of the reason I raised my hand is because I have a different view of what a soulmate exactly is, there still lies one inevitable truth of becoming an adult: to grow up is to accept that love will never be as picture perfect as you want it to be.
But to that I say, it can be. It’s called romance books.
Romance books have become pretty popular within the past couple of years as from 2020 to 2023, the amount of romance books sold jumped from 18 million to 36 million. This is no doubt largely due to Booktok, which has become nearly synonymous with romance novels at this point ranging from your classic YA fantasy enemies-to-lovers to your more contemporary fake-dating reads. There’s no room for argument that romance books have become a very popular genre of reading, especially among women.
Women account for a whopping 82% of readers in the romance genre and I am very proud to be a loud part of that 82%. I love romance novels — I have an entire shelf on my bookcase dedicated just to the genre. Of course, half the shelf is Emily Henry and Ali Hazelwood but I would like to say that I’ve read a decent amount of romance novels. I’m familiar with their general layout — adorkable meet-cute, tension and build-up, honeymoon era, third-act conflict, and finally, the cheesy resolution. My favorite tropes, even though there’s simply too many to choose from, are probably academic rivals to lovers, second chance romances, and fake dating.
However, as an avid romance fan, I also am very familiar with the fact that romance is a pretty hated genre. Believe me, I’ve heard all the reasons and you know what? Some of them have a point but most of them are just misogynistic fodder and I’ve finally decided to sit down and write about it. If you know me personally then you know this Substack has been a long time coming. Now, throughout this Substack, I’m going to break down every single point often lofted against romance books and analyze its reasoning that might either prove to have some food for thought or simply acts as another way to tear down women.
But before I begin, I want to make a disclaimer that the only real credentials I have for discussing all of this is just the fact that I am an avid reader and as previously mentioned, a hopeless romantic. I have seen romance novels be shit on for both reasonable and unreasonable points and have had to endure multiple uncomfortable conversations trying to make me feel ashamed for the content I read. Still, I am under the general belief that romance as a whole, can be used as an empowering and feminist tool to push culture forward and for too long, it’s been misunderstood and underestimated. So here is my love letter to romance novels, after all, what’s more romantic than female liberation, right?
To begin with, let’s talk about why we read. A very broad question with a very subjective answer but here’s how I’ve come to understand it. Literature serves many purposes, from which we could spend all day arguing about what exactly those are, but I’ve chosen to categorize the answer into two very broad and simple groups — the reaction the story invokes in you and the literary merit it holds. I’m sure there’s many who would argue with my interpretation but these are the two purposes I’ve noticed that get referenced the most and just make the most sense to me.
This is also basically the simplest way to explain the rift between romance readers and litfic/classics readers. Romance readers believe the reaction the story invokes in you is more significant to your reading experience whereas for litfic/classics readers, the literary merit the story holds is more significant to their reading experience. However, do not take this to mean that each type of reader can only value one of these things, THAT IS NOT WHAT I’M SAYING.
As somebody who absolutely loves both genres, I can feel intense emotional reactions to litfics while also heavily analyzing a romance novel’s protagonist. The two aren’t mutually exclusive but in general, the argument against romance novels is that they don’t prioritize literary merit and are often seen as unrealistic, trashy, or worse — fun for the sake of being fun. Could you imagine?
But to backtrack a little first, when I say literary merit, what exactly does that mean? In a very general definition, it simply means the value a book holds as art. But more specifically, it can mean things such as artistry, style, permanence, intellectual value, and provoking themes. Basically, think of the things you would discuss in an English class or write for a book report.
The best example I can think of off the top of my head for a book that values literary merit is the last book I just finished reading — The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro. It’s a story told firsthand by this old English butler who the reader comes to understand is an unreliable narrator cloaked in layers of regret set in a post World-War II Britain. The book won the Booker Prize in 1989 and Ishiguro later received the Nobel Prize in Literature in 2017. It’s the perfect example of a book that is revered for its craft and intellectual value. Personally, I loved it and rated the book 4.5/5 stars.
Now, let’s compare this book to the last romance book I read — Once More with Feeling by Elissa Sussman. A romcom about a former popstar who, after having her career destroyed 10 years prior due to a cheating scandal with her then boyfriend’s bandmate, is now trying to make her comeback on Broadway with none other than her ex-boyfriend’s bandmate as her infuriating but sexy director. Sussman is a popular romance novelist who became an overnight bestseller after her other book, Funny You Should Ask, went viral on Booktok. I also loved this book and rated it 4.5/5 stars.
While perhaps my book rating system is not the most equal playing field as my qualifications for a good book tends to fluctuate with each book I read, my point is simply that sometimes books serve different purposes. Not all books are meant to be read for their literary merit though it doesn’t mean that they don’t have any at all. Sometimes we read books for the reaction they invoke because at its rawest form, literature is simply another form of art and art in its rawest form, is simply something that invokes a reaction from us.
Romance books are mainly read because of the reaction they invoke in people. It’s a way to escape reality, people read romance because they’re unrealistic. This is why it’s always so weird to me whenever people criticize romance books for being unrealistic when that’s quite literally the point of them. Escapism is not to be underestimated. Speaking from personal experience, there’s nothing more comforting than being able to forget about your current world and instead dive into a world where the biggest problem is whether or not the two main love interests end up together. A world where love wins and everything works out in the end.
Furthermore, when people dig in on the supposed absurdity of romance books, I often like to ask them, why is it so unrealistic to think that a man could love a woman with no restrictions in a healthy manner? Why is it so impossible to fantasize a world in which men can express their emotions in a communicative and respectful manner? A world in which women can feel safe and prioritized in their romantic lives? If it really is that absurd to you, then what does that say about the way you personally pursue and view romance right now?
As 16 year-old Sabrina said in her review of Today, Tonight, Tomorrow, “Why is it that something that’s marketed towards mainly women, centers women, makes them feel comfortable, and makes them feel strong, is considered vapid or stupid or worthless? It’s exactly because it’s catered towards women.” As you can quite literally see for yourself, I’ve felt passionately about this topic for a while now. Though, I have to admit it’s a always little funny to rewatch my old videos because I’ve forgotten half of what I’ve uploaded at this point. It’s kind of eerie to see myself still be myself, though, you know?
Now of course, it’d be naive of me to ignore that there can be certain unrealistic aspects to romance. Yes, I knew throughout high school that the star football player wasn’t going to fake date me in order to make his ex and my crush (who I would later discover was totally wrong for me) insanely jealous. Partly because that was plain ridiculous but also partly because my school didn’t even have a football team. Anyways, my point is that no sane person is going into romance novels expecting them to be autobiographical, they go into them for the sheer romance of it. For the thrill of reading about two people falling in love and the resulting giggling and feet-kicking that may emerge as a result.
But romance books, as everything, can be a double-edged sword. Like I said earlier, romance is a big genre and has been known to host a history of problematic tropes. Believe me, while I don’t think a 200 year-old vampire/fairy/supernatural being falling in love with a 17 year-old is a healthy trope in any means, does this mean we should then discredit the genre as a whole? It’s like trashing on every single superhero movie just because you didn’t like Morbius, which in fairness though, is horrifically terrible. But back to my point about romance, I truly believe that it’s an evolving genre filled with authors that are striving to rid themselves of these problematic tropes and reclaim them in an empowering manner. I am of course, talking about Emily Henry.
Emily Henry is by far my, and the internet’s, favorite romance author and while there is definitely some debate about whether or not her novels even classify as romance but rather women’s fiction, I’m 100% in the camp of her books being romance. She even claims the title herself and with pride. The reason I have so much faith in the genre is because of authors like Henry, who take these old, repetitive romance tropes and subvert them to make them not only more interesting, but empowering.
For example, my favorite book of hers without question is Book Lovers. You know the classic trope of the big city man leaving his cold-hearted city girlfriend behind for the small-town girl-next-door? Well, Henry takes the trope and flips it on its head by asking well what about the cold-hearted city girlfriend? Why doesn’t she deserve love just because she isn’t willing to sacrifice her ambition? Nora, the protagonist, is more than a two-dimensional villain and is sick of being framed as one simply because she’s more outwardly feminine and is good at her job — two things often ridiculed in typical romance stories.
Romance novels also portray women in respectful, understanding ways as protagonists are written with nuance and care. These stories often delve into heavy issues such as past childhood traumas, abandonment or communication issues, mental illness, and many other realistic obstacles women can face in their life. It’s a genre that actually takes the time to depict women beyond the stereotypical manic pixie dream girl or vapid love interest archetypes. Henry does this with all of her characters, offering complex motivations and layers of emotion while also taking care to portray her male leading love interests in a healthier way.
In romance books, the male love interests are often more comfortable within their masculinity and aren’t afraid to express their emotions for the protagonist. They own up to their mistakes and are always respectful of women’s’ boundaries and wishes, something that unfortunately isn’t all that reflected in our current society. Of course, that’s not to say that romance can’t be filled with two-dimensional male love interests from time to time, but I know that at least with Henry, the way her men are written are the standard. Through all of these elements, authors like her and many others are helping to redefine the genre into something new and worthy of attention.
“When I watch you sleep," he said shakily, "I feel overwhelmed that you exist.”
Beach Read — Emily Henry
However, I think it’s finally time to address the elephant in the room as I don’t think I could’ve made it through this Substack without discussing it — smut. The biggest problem people seem to have with romance books. Whenever I tell people I read romance, their first thought, of course, is that I must be reading the most unfiltered smut simply for the joy of it. To that I say, well, what if I did?
While I don’t personally read romance for the smut, I know there’s probably plenty of people who do and if they do, so what? Why is it any of your business and how is it any different than if men do it? Tell me why 8th-grade Sabrina had to unwillingly sit through her ELA classmates showing her different Pornhub compilations because its “normal” adolescent boy behavior, but the second I mention that the book I read has smut in it to the men I know in my life, I must be the single-most horny disgusting creature that ever walked this Earth?
Now don’t start twisting my logic because I’m not saying I should therefore be allowed to shove Icebreaker in everyone’s faces, I am, however, saying that it’s just mind-boggling to me that we’ve normalized teenage boy porn addictions but gasp at the idea of a teenage girl reading a book with like one sex scene in it.
Whenever I have people ask me how I can read all that smut, I simply explain it like this: have you ever seen a fucking movie? Literally any movie or tv show ever? Sex is everywhere in media — it’s impossible to escape. Reading a romance novel is the same as watching a romance movie, you’re not consuming the content for the sole purpose of wanting to see the main characters get intimate, but you know that it’s probably going to happen either to advance the plot forward or for pure entertainment purposes. Whereas reading romance books for the smut is more similar to watching porn — your end goal is obviously not the overall romance.
Though, I think Elissa Sussman puts it best with her amazing essay on why she includes smut in her romance novels that basically asks the question, why not let women enjoy themselves? Why are we so hellbent on destroying everything that is enjoyed by a demographic of majority women? Women can’t do anything without being ostracized and reading romance books is often one of the first points of attack used to ridicule women for simply wanting to enjoy themselves. Other points of attack include things such as liking any music artist ever or doing makeup that isn’t meant to look natural.
Of course, it’d be remiss of me to not point out that romance books and smut books have become increasingly lumped together as one genre when really, one is a subgenre of the other. The same applies for dark romance, another entirely different subgenre of romance that has been recently gaining popularity for its infamous nature.
You tell me, what am I supposed to say to someone when they tell me, “Well, what about those romance books where the girl hooks up with her uncle and cousins? You don’t think that’s weird?” Well, can you use your fucking brain for a second? When I’m going on my impassioned rants about the feminist potential of romance books as a whole, as I’ve just done above, I’m obviously not talking about dark romances — a subgenre known for its taboo and provocative nature nor am I justifying the content in these stories when their whole schpiel is being unjustifiable love stories.
Dark romance and smut books are perhaps the epitome of books that I believe hold the significance of simply invoking a reaction in the reader. There is very little literary merit held in these types of stories and you know what? That’s fine. Again, not every books is meant to be read in order to better yourself or learn something just like how not every movie watched is meant to broaden your worldview or change your life. Sometimes a story is simply meant to be enjoyed as a story — a passing invitation to enter a world in order to forget about your own and that’s all. Just because you don’t personally understand it doesn’t mean it doesn’t have significance for others who do.
That being said, however, I couldn’t not address the harmfulness of dark romances as what often comes up as one of the main arguments against the genre is the impact it has on young impressionable readers. This is one of the arguments I actually do completely agree with. There is no reason at all a 6th grader should be reading something like Haunting Adeline and thinking that relationship is something to glorify. Since their minds are still developing, reading what has been deemed a “romance” filled with kidnapping, dubious consent, and toxic manipulation can seriously disturb their future perceptions of what their own personal romantic relationships may look like.
However, I don’t think this means that the author shouldn’t have written the book in the first place as I think to dictate what writers are and are not allowed to write is a slippery slope. I personally don’t read dark romances or really understand the appeal, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to shit on people who do because again, it’s really none of my business. Also as I’ve come to understand it, most dark romance authors are sure to include disclaimers or trigger warnings that reveal just what disturbing things may happen in the story so people know exactly what they’re getting into.
Still, the rising popularity of dark romances among young readers is something that needs to be discussed. Booktok is a huge proponent in this, as it’s usually grown adults pushing to their audiences, stories that increasingly grow in taboo, until eventually the stories that gain the most attention aren’t the ones that are actually good but rather the ones that are the most outrageous.
One of the criticisms that Booktok has been facing specifically in terms of this, is encouraging what some are branding the “fast fashion” production of romance novels. Authors are no longer dedicating time and effort into their works but rather pumping out books at break-neck speed that simply fit whatever tropes are popular at the time. These low-quality reads are often what become the new face of romance novels and I do admit it deeply disappoints me. However, I don’t think this one negative aspect that’s more a product of overconsumption than anything, should really be used as a criticism against romance as a genre, but rather a springboard for which we can discuss our own consumption habits and preferences.
But back to dark romances’ increasing influence, I think ultimately the responsibility is placed on the parents of the children buying and reading this content. Of course, while this doesn’t mean Booktok is entirely blameless in its amplification of dark romances, at the end of the day, we all have the right to say what we want on the internet and that includes promoting stories we may find exhilarating. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take into consideration the possible audiences of each platform but it’s really not the Booktok creator’s fault if a 12 year-old happens upon their video because the algorithm has pushed it upon them.
However, one could argue that if the responsibility falls entirely on the parents, this then means that parents would therefore need to completely control their child’s internet access because let’s be real here, the kid’s probably also going on Wattpad or AO3 to find some nasty shit on there too. But the internet is limitless and unless the parents are expected to have 24/7 monitored access to what their child is consuming, then there needs to be a broader discussion on the restrictions or perhaps lack of restrictions placed on material such as this, which I think is a discussion we can save for next time.
Finally, it would also be remiss of me to not point out the lack of diversity in romance books, another genuinely valid criticism on the genre. Romance is a genre with a history of having a majority of straight white leads with straight white love interests, while the queer and/or POC characters are often delegated to the supporting roles. Many popular romance authors are also white and straight and while I love Emily Henry, her stories do unfortunately fall into these categories.
But I would like to say that there certainly are efforts being made to advance diversity in the genre forward. There’s authors like Helen Hoang, whose Kiss Quotient series revolves around different Asian protagonists on the spectrum. Also authors like Casey McQuiston, whose wildly popular books like Red, White, and Royal Blue and One Last Stop have become queer NYT Bestsellers. There are also countless other authors working to challenge the long-held exclusivity of romance novels and every year, more and more diverse romances are being published, expanding and redefining what romance stories can be.
Love is one of the greatest things to experience, so why is it such a crime to want to experience it? I have long since stopped feeling ashamed for being a romance reader but it still makes me frustrated and annoyed whenever I have to have the same conversation defending my hobby over and over again. But my hope is that through this Substack, which maybe only three people will actually read all the way through, I can do in my part in breaking the stigma surrounding them. I truly have faith and feel such love for the genre’s future and potential and I know many others feel the same way as I do. After all, it doesn’t hurt to be a little romantic sometimes, right?
very cool 👍🏾